But Where IS Clara?
by A Flamboyant Intruder
Summary: The Doctor suddenly notices Clara is missing... But why does he have no memory of how she went missing or even WHEN she went missing? Rated T for later chapters (romantic moments).
1. Chapter 1

The Doctor Who Man jumped out of the TARDIS and landed on a candle which was still burning. The Doctor Who Man looked at the flame for a few minutes and started to see tiny people dancing around a fire.

They were dancing in a circle; but beyond the small camp fire, spitting and crackling in the dark of the night, like a fire, there could be seen a dainty village. The people there had grey faces with little, beady black eyes and no other facial features. They all had baskets in their arms, carrying bread to the edge of the village where they threw it into a pit.

Inside the pit was a windmill in an abandoned cavern; the bread was becoming mountainous and the ghastly creatures that dwelt within looked from behind the spooky veils of shadow, staring at the mass of bread, waiting for their moment to strike.

The Doctor Who Man looked around and SUDDENLY FELT VERY ANGSTY! YES, AS IN ANGST!

He tried to do a barrel roll but did an aileron role instead. He was so disappointed that he walked into a pond and did a handstand. Suddenly, he heard a wavering voice, WHICH SOUNDED QUITE ANGSTY!

"I am the Medical Swan..." Said the voice. It came from a swan which sat but upon the lake. It had a stethoscope for a head and had a coat, verily.

"Who are you?" The Doctor Who Man said, but the Swan was already sinking into a pile of spaghetti some idiot had left near the pond.

"Don't fooorgeeet... the Ugandaman..." The Medical Swam said, before drowning in spaghetti.

The Doctor was so upset by this he FELT QUITE A LOT OF ANGST.

ANGST.

The Doctor Who Man forced a Buttsquirrel out of his rectal passage, as it had but been living in his anus.

"Get out! GET OUT!" The Doctor Who Man said, screaming and shouting with the force and pain to get the Buttsquirrel out. Suddenly the Doctor Who Man's arms and legs began to wave around and become longer until the Doctor Who Man could no longer support them and he fell down into a mess of legs and arms and himself.

He caught a stray jar of Marmite with his tongue and spread the contents over his left eyeball which made him feel better but only for a while before he started to FEEL ANGST AGAIN.

Then suddenly The Doctor Who Man realized that Clara was but missing and times were of needing! His arms and legs snapped back into his body like when you pull a string on a wind-up toy and let go and stuff like that init.

The Doctor Who Man leapt up, propelled into the air by the force of his arms and legs coming back into his body, and dived towards the TARDIS, tumbling through the doors. He got up but but then only but then realize he but was but not.

He looked around the TADRIS I.N.T.E.R.I.O.R (Idiotic Network of Teaching, Education, Ratification, Internal Omnipresence and Reality) and suddenly noticed there was a wooden trapdoor on the TARDIS floor. This made him feel a great deal of ANGST.

He opened the trapdoor and saw a dark passage way. The Doctor Who Man crept down the stairs, but the passage became smaller and smaller and eventually he had to squeeze through it, which made him feel a lot of ANGST.

In fact, most of this story so far has had A LOT OF ANGST and is VERY ANGSTY.

The Doctor Who Man eventually fell through the last section of the passageway and fell into a cavern. Shafts of vague half-light were filtering in from an indiscernible position above him and The Doctor Who Man heard shuffling and doomsounds. The Doctor Who Man stood up, but it was very difficult, and he suddenly noticed why: a Ugandan man was standing on top of The Doctor Who Man and he was completely still.

"I am Ugandaman." The Ugandan man whispered, softly, "I have stolen your Clara. I am a ghost of the reason of the life ways. I have many concubines."

The Doctor Who Man launched himself into the air and side kicked Ugandaman and he was propelled sideways into the cavern wall. He slowly sunk into the wall and left behind only a Ugandan flag.

The Doctor Who Man suddenly realized: Where the fuck WAS Clara!? He had to look for that feisty little crap and the only way he could achieve it was to defaecate on a corpse. The Doctor Who Man leaped into the dark parts of the cave and randomly thrashed about until he got a headlock on one of the ghastly creatures that be dwelling there.

The creature looked much like the baby of a cat, zebra, elephant, whale, dolphin, shark, manshark, sharkman and tree. It was mostly indescribable, which has even made the author rather angsty.

The Doctor Who Man punched the creature until it died and was about to defaecate on the corpse when an ambulance from the RSPCA arrived and the Doctor Who Man was forced into it by a man named Brenedickt Coomberbach who looked a lot like what a modern day Sherlock Holmes might look like.

The Doctor Who Man was tied up and smacked with an ironically dead and miserable fish for killing an animals and was being sent to Badman Prisonthing. A terrible fate!

**CHAPTER 2 COMING SOON PLZ STAY TUNED!**


	2. Chapter 2

And so the Doctor Who Man was being but transported away in the RSPCA van when suddenly he remembered he had a third arm. He wretched and wretched and eventually it appeared out of his throat. It was no tied like the rest of his hands and was free. It punched Brenedict Coomberbach in the face.

The Doctor Who Man then made a large cut in Coomberbach's skin with his nails so his blood could be used as lubricant to but escape the ropes that concealed him in place!

The Doctor Who Man did eight backflips and suddenly realized he had suddenly done so many sudden backflips he had transportled the hoowahzak and create the gravitytimes upside down! He stood on the ceiling of the van wondering what to do, before a man appeared.

At first his outline was hard to make out, but slowly but surely the smell of pizza and garlic bread and tacky fridge magnets emanated from the shadowy figure;

It was Giuseppe Garibaldi! (1807 - 1882, R.I.P: was a major contributor to creating a united Italian state and founding an Italian overseas empire, primarily during the Scramble for Africa period, c. 1850 - 1918).

"Look at my hat, it's quite silly!" Giuseppe said in a very Italian accent, flailing his arms around, "Although to compensate I have a swaggy beard and an interesting overcoat."

"Yes but how do I fix this problem, Giuseppe!?" The Doctor Who Man cried in mild, strong anguish.

"I say leave some spaghetti out, and maybe somebody will drown in it..."

Suddenly The Doctor Who Man's heart but leapt many beats and the other had to do double the normal work.

"So it was YOU who killed the Medical Swan!?" The Doctor Who Man howled.

"I dunno, but I killed a lot of Muslims."

Suddenly Giuseppe disappeared, leaving only a pile of spaghetti.

The Doctor Who Man stared at the spaghetti until it got upset and went away.

Suddenly The Doctor Who Man did an aileron role out of the RSPCA van and landed on a pile of old armadillos. The Doctor Who Man used the armadillos as a launching point to propel him back towards the TARDIS.

The Doctor Who Man landed on his index finger and suddenly noticed that Clara was stuck inside the TARDIS's light. The Doctor Who Man walked real fast and managed to walk real fast up the side of the TARDIS and get near the light. Clara was looking all scared and panicked, her eyes constantly flickering around (reflecting her bland personality).

The Doctor Who Man tried to get at the fixtures to unscrew the light but there were too many chameleons. He tried and tried but this just proved to make him feel A LOT OF ANGST.

The Doctor Who Man sat on top of the TARDIS and was really sad and thought of the Medical Swan and this made him so anger and rage that he overcame the chameleons (but still felt a lot of angst) and smashed the TARDIS light. He laughed really hard until he coughed up some Nutella and then used it to glue the light back together.

Unfortunately once he was done repairing the light, he noticed Clara was rolling around in the grass in the field the TARDIS had landed in. She rolled around so much the grass started to attach to her and she became a Grasswomanmonster. The Grasswomanmonster, arms outstretched like _Cristo Redemador _slowly backed away until out of sight.

The Doctor Who Man felt a lot of angst but controlled it enough to get back into the TARDIS by creating a tiny staircase down to the ground made of spare sausages.

**2 B CONTINOOD!**


	3. Chapter 3

The Doctor Who man did a front kick and using his tongue knocked over a lamp post, which opened the doors to the TARDIS.

He leaped in, but he did it too hard and he ended up on top of the Great Scrotum.

"What the fuck is this shit?" The Doctor Who Man screamed.

The scrotum wobbled from his shouty-shout-shout that the Doctor Who Man lost his balance and had to use his butt cheeks as legs for twenty eight minutes.

As he slowly shuffled his way along a dark corridor called Paul, the Doctor Who Man noticed Ugandaman in a tutu screaming at a flower behind a pane of glass.

The Doctor Who Man increased his shuffling and eventually got the end of the corridor, but fell off the end and into the Pit of Doom.

He hit the bottom so hard lemonade and honey oozed out of his eyes. Spotting a nearby collection of unused barometers, the Doctor Who Man built a car out of them. He did seventeen backflips through the air and landed in the car, and it raced forwards at 10,000,000 miles per hour until it went forwards in time to when the Doctor Who Man was but old and ancient.

"You're a fuckin' bampot!" Oldter Who Man said to Doctor Who Man.

"You're a fuckin' arsehole shitwiggler!" The Doctor Who Man replied back.

"You're a fuckin' twat-devouring dick-breathing yabboo!"

"You're a fuckin' tit-licking elephant-tickling christ-wiping dipshit!"

"You're a fuckin' rum-bubbling arse-farting ear-slapping fish-kissing shite!"

It took ten million years, but finally the Doctor Who Man won the battle.

"Hah, take that, you dense cunt!" The Doctor Who Man cried as he was transportled to Future Glasgow.

A man with nineteen legs ran up to the Doctor Who Man and screamed "ICKY BICKY" at him. The Doctor Who Man slapped him with his novelty penis gloves repeatedly until the man's face fell off and crawled down a drain.

The Doctor Who Man noticed Clara, still as a Grasswomanmonster, at a nearby horse racing convention.

Gasping with the angst-inducing horrors, the Doctor Who Man ran over a house and entered the convention dressed as a cucumber. Luckily, it fooled the guards and he began doing human dressage, but then Clara attacked a man called Suubywuub.

Enraged, the man threw a gecko into the air and cried out:

"I AM SUUBYWUUB, HOW DARE YOU TOUCH MY PERSON!"

He took out a tiny person which Clara had touched.

The Grasswomanmonster did seven million back flips and disappeared.

The Doctor Who Man pranced under the Future River Clyde and ran too fast so he ended up underneath the floor but it was OK because he had Lembo the Mailman with him.

"What now, Lembo?"

"Let's ask Pedro Alvares Cabral (RIP - discoverer of Brazil and eater of spices)."

"Fuck no, let's ask Hernan Cortes!"

Pedro looked sad and slit his throat, and Hernan Cortres came out of it.

"Hernan, what should be done in our situation!?" Lembo asked.

"No habla Inglesa!" He screamed and jumped down a hole entitled "Zewyzeb".

"Shite! Lembo you bastard!" The Doctor Who Man wailed, throttling Lembo until he disappeared down his own intestines.

"AND DON'T COME BACK!" The Doctor Who Man screamed after him as he fell down his intestines.

And there was Clara in the distance, smoking some weed and eating a purple hat.

"NO CLARA, NOT A PURPLE HAT!"

Clara exploded, blood and guts raining around the Doctor Who Man.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" He screeched.

A short pause.

"Oh well then."

Just as the Doctor Who Man was leaving, the bits and bobs reformed back into Clara.

"CLARA! YOU'RE ALIVE!" The Doctor Who Man was so happy he put each of his teeth in a tree and kicked a turtle so he fell in a moor.

"I am not Clara, I am now Claro." Said Clara.

":O" Said the Doctor Who Man.

He suddenly realized he was on Facebook and he had over six million friend requests from a man called Iceland. Screaming with anguish he invaded Little Columbia and then took a big ogre shit on a passing truck full of a delivery of moldy dolphins.

Suddenly he realized his mistake: those were eternity dolphins!

"Shrek, I need some help!" The Doctor Who Man bellowed into his iPhone 6+ square route of twelve divided by eight.

"Och mah higgans, fuck you, I hate the iPhone 6+ square route of twelve divided by eight, I only like the iPhone 6- square route of twelve divided by eight!" Replied the answer.

"BLOODY TRIPLE ICECREAM BAMPOT!" The Doctor Who Man screamed, and he raced after the eternity dolphins...

**TBC BIATCH**


End file.
